


The Shortest "On the Lam" Sterek Fic Ever Because Stuart Has a Party to Plan and Doesn't Have Time for Your Felony Charges Bullshit!

by FiccinDylan



Series: Sick of Your Shit Verse [14]
Category: Sterek - Fandom, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Criminal Stiles Stilinski, FBI Agent Derek Hale, Isaac's dick is out, shortest sterek, sick of your shit verse, stiles is on the lam, stuart has a party to plan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-23 22:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12517584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiccinDylan/pseuds/FiccinDylan
Summary: Stiles is on the lam.Derek is trying to find him.Stuart has a party to planIsaac's dick is out.Stiles ruinseverything.





	The Shortest "On the Lam" Sterek Fic Ever Because Stuart Has a Party to Plan and Doesn't Have Time for Your Felony Charges Bullshit!

**Author's Note:**

> Happy #50kofSterek everyone!

Stuart Stilinski considers himself a simple man who lives a simple life. He lives with his sheriff dad, has a hot ass boyfriend whose tongue is currently lodged in his throat, and he’s happy. Stuart Stilinski tells himself that his life is stress free and pretty close to perfect and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Stuart Stilinski is lying to himself. Stuart Stilinski loves to paint this picture and while it seems complete on the surface, some details may be missing. Stuart Stilinski _does_ live with his dad who is the sheriff, and he does has a hot ass boyfriend currently trying to suck the filling out of his back molars, but Stuart Stilinski also has something that kind of takes precedence over all that basic shit. 

And that something looks just like him and is wanted in 42 of the continental 48 states. That’s right, his identical twin brother is on the lam from the law. Which doesn’t affect his life as much as one may think. Well, okay, maybe his dad isn’t home most of the time because he’s at the station coyly trying to find out details about his son’s investigation with Internal Affairs breathing down his neck at every step he takes. And sure, Isaac -his hot ass boyfriend- just so happens to be the beta of Derek Hale, _the FBI agent who is assigned to the case_. 

Oh yeah, and did Stuart forget to mention that Derek Hale and his _on-the-lam_ twin brother, Stiles were on-again/off-again lovers? It wasn’t a mistake, he meant to leave it out. He tries his hardest to block out the bullshit with having a brother on the run from the law, but it always seems to catch up with him. And today was no exception. 

He’s on the couch, swapping spit with the aforementioned cherubic Isaac when suddenly there’s a frantic knock at the front door. Stu sighs. He can blame it on twinsense, but this stupidity is just in line with the way Stiles chooses to do things. Stu gets up and goes to the door, opening it and refusing to feign even a modicum of shock. Like Stiles would notice anyway. 

“Stuart, oh my god, you’ve gotta help me!” Stiles rushes into the house giving his brother a quick hug and waving at Isaac who returns it by waving a chip at him before shoving it into his mouth. Stuart hopes it was salt and vinegar. 

“Hey, Stiles, still evading the law?” Stuart asks nonchalantly, dragging in the black duffle on the porch and closing the door behind him. 

“You gotta help me, bro! He knows where I am and I have to hide!”

Stuart cocks a trademark Stilinski brow and sighs. 

“Really, Stiles? You’re on the run from johnny popo and you come back to the city where you’re from to your childhood home?”

Stiles nods, looking at Stuart like he’s finally getting it, “Yes! Isn’t it perfect? There’s no way they’d suspect! And all I have to do is put on those fake frames and people will just think I’m you.”

“Stiles, first of all, it’s the absolute first place they’ll look!” Stu yells, no longer able to hold his composure. “And secondly, it’s never fucking twins, _Watson_!” Stiles shakes his head. 

“Stu, no! I’ll never let him take me! He can’t have my heart _and_ my freedom.”

“What.” Stu says, completely dumbstruck, but mostly at the fact that this shit still gets to him. 

“He won’t think to look here, it’s perfect!”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“ _Stu_!”

“Okay, fine, I didn’t mean… to be so harsh. Since we’re dealing with things that are obvious, why don’t you go hide upstairs in your room? Despite the fact he spent a huge chunk of our teenage years sneaking into the window and “accidentally” molesting me before remembering which bed was actually yours, I’ll bet he’ll _never_ think to look there.” Stu puts extra emphasis on _never_ to make sure his intent of sarcasm is clear; Stiles remains undeterred. 

“See, Stu! That’s being a team player. I love ya, bro.” Stiles picks up his duffle and heads towards the stairs, “Hey, how’s dad?”

Stu shrugs, “Still trying to secretly exonerate you behind IA’s back. Which would be fine except you never sit still enough to even have charges brought against you. Seriously, Stiles! Just turn yourself in and let due process do it’s thing.”

“I know it’s hard, Stu, and for you too, I get it, but I can’t let the law win. I’m innocent.” Stiles says, reaching a hand out and patting Stu’s shoulder. Stu looks at it incredulously.

“Bro, you’re a lot of things, but innocent is hardly-”

“If he comes, you’ll hold him off?” Stiles pleads, knowing Stu knows exactly to whom he’s referring.

“Absolutely not,” Stu says, shaking his head, “he’s a fucking 200lb alpha werewolf with a hard-on for you, I’m not doing shit except telling him to go where he’s going to go anyway.”

“Thanks, bro. I knew you’d have my back.” Stiles says, basically ignoring the shit out of Stu as he’s now halfway up the stairs. Stu huffs and is about to go rejoin Isaac when he remembers something. 

“Oh, Stiles!” Stiles is at the top of the stairs and pokes his head out, motioning for Stu to be quiet. Stu flips him off. “Dad’s retirement party is next month and I swear to god, if you’re still on the loose-”

“Don’t worry, bro, I’ll be there!” Stiles says with a thumbs up before disappearing again. Stu stands with his hands on his hips and huffs at Isaac who has his dick out. 

“He better fucking be here.” Stu says, before dropping to his knees and suckling on Isaac’s head. He always did think better when he was multitasking. He had most of the food ordered, and decorations were taken care of, but should he get a DJ or a band?

There’s another knock at the door. Stu ignores it, or rather turns it into inspiration for the party. His dad always did like subway drummers and it might be cool to showcase some local artists in the community his dad was serving. He bobs his head to the banging on the door until a voice carries through. 

“Stu! I know he’s in there! I can… I can _feel_ him inside.” 

Stu pulls off and groans, looking at Isaac who sleepily smiles. 

“Stop blowing Isaac and come and open the fucking door!” Isaac flashes his eyes, indicating there ain’t shit he can do except go and open the door for the enraged alpha. Stu gets up and goes to the door. 

“Where is he, Stu?!” Derek says, coming in the door and shoving Stu out of the way while he sniffs around the house. 

He hones in on his beta. “Isaac.” he says simply, prompting the young wolf to bare his neck in submission. 

“Alpha.” Isaac says with a sigh. Derek narrows his eyes at him.

“Your dick is out.”

Isaac shrugs, “I like to be convenient.”

“Where is _who_ , Derek?” Stu says, epically rolling his eyes. Derek looks back at him intensely.

“Don’t play games with me, Stu. I know he’s here. I almost didn’t come here, I thought it would be too obvious. If it weren’t for our eternal and fierce connection…”

Stu looks at Derek, then at Isaac, and then longingly at Isaac’s junk. He starts to make his way back to the couch when a hand comes out and palms his chest, holding him back. Stu… may throw a bit of a tantrum. 

“Dammit, Derek! You know where he is, it’s been two fucking years of this bullshit! How are you even still employed? How are you affording this?” 

“It wouldn’t be happening if Stiles would just turn himself in.” Derek posits. Stu glares at him. 

“Or maybe if you didn’t keep letting him get away!” 

Derek grins to himself, searching out a contemplative moment in the middle distance. 

“Stiles won’t ever be a caged bird, Stuart. But I will never not be a cage maker for bad birds.”

“Fuck the _what_?!” Stu yells.

“Stu, where is he?!”

“He’s fucking upstairs in our room!”

“Thank you, Stu! I love you!” Derek says as he heads towards the door. Stu looks at Derek, then the stairs, then Isaac who is giving him a ~ _look_.

“Babe, you know this is all bullshit, just… c’mon, suck on ‘saac’s dick.”

Stu… may stomp his foot and ball his hands into fists. 

“Derek, why are you going out the front door? The stairs are right fucking _there_!” Stu says, pointing. Derek looks at him as though he’s grown a second head. 

“He’ll be expecting that.” Derek says as he flips Stu off and backs out the front door. 

Stu flops on the couch next to Isaac who sighs and puts his arm around his ranting boyfriend’s shoulders. 

“Expecting that? You know he’s probably all lubed up and ready to go. And oh shit, they’re going to fuck on my bed! I just got rid of Stiles’ and got a new one!” Stu jumps up and runs to the back door. He opens it and yells at Derek who is climbing up the side of the house. 

“Don’t fuck him in my bed! Fuck him again the wall like the animal he is!” He yells inelegantly. Derek shoos him away, but nods. 

Stu walks back into the house and goes into the living room listening to a heated argument between the two star crossed lovers above them. Isaac tries to distract Stu by placing little kisses to his neck and tweaking his nipples, but it’s of no use. 

“I swear to god, I hate them so much!” Stu seethes, flinching when he hears Derek pushing Stiles against the wall. The sound of their yelling turns into muffled moans and Stu sighs in relief. “At least they’re not on my bed.”

“Stu, leave them alone! I’m sure there’s something attached to my body that’s more interesting than-”

“How much longer is this going to go on?! Why am I the only one who thinks it’s crazy?” Stu asks as Isaac straddles him and grinds into his lap, “If we got Stiles a lawyer, he would get off, he only did like, a quarter of the things he was accused of, he certainly didn’t start that avalanche-”

Isaac’s entire tongue is in Stu’s ear and Stu finally grabs him by the shoulders, holding him at arm’s length and peering into his sparkling blue-green eyes.

“At this point he’s racking up more criminal charges just from evading the law!”

Isaac throws his hands up in defeat and stands, tucking himself back in his pants. 

“Your brother is a grown-up, Stu. He’s perfect capable of making his own decisions. If you’re just gonna sit here and pout about him, then I’m going home.”

Stu nods, but he’s clearly paying more attention to the sound of pipes groaning throughout the house. 

“Hold on, Isaac, shut up for a second… are… are those motherfuckers taking a _bath_?!”

“Love you, Stu, see you later.” Isaac says, bending over and pecking the side of Stu’s mouth.

“Yeah, love ya, oka- they better not be using my loofah!” Stu runs upstairs and looks through the peephole. Stiles and Derek are making out in the tub, covered in bubbles as their hands glide over their hot, slippery skin. Stuart gasps. 

“Where’d they get champagne from? That better not be from the stash for Dad!” He says to himself. 

“Ahem, son?”

Stu stands up and looks at his dad with wide eyes. 

“Uhh, nothing to see here, I’m not nervous!” Stu yells as the sheriff rolls his eyes and motions for Stu to follow him into his room. When inside he closes and locks the door. 

“Look, son. I don’t fully claim to understand how courting works for werewolves-”

“Dad! This is not courting! Stiles has federal fucking charges against him that he won’t get dropped because he’s playing tag with a lovesick werewolf!”

“First off, Stu, _language_!” The sheriff warns. Stu balks, but flops in the easy chair as his dad starts to change for his next shift. “Second off, your mother had very much the same evasive and eccentric spirit. She tied herself to a tree during a protest just to get my attention.” Sheriff grins before turning and seeing Stu’s eyes nearly fall out of his head. The sheriff rolls his. 

“I’m just saying, I know the struggle between desiring the law, but also wanting to buck it. Stiles wants to know that Derek will always put him first.”

“DAD, THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING!” Stuart yells, “You have to retire early because it’s too much stress from the IA! This is serious, Dad!”

“Love is serious, Stu! Now calm down, the two rarely get to see each other as it is.”

“That’s because Stiles is a wanted felon and Derek is fucking terrible at his job.”

The sheriff chuckles and grins, “Derek is actually their number one retention specialist,” he says with the nerve to sound proud. 

“What?”

“Yeah, I think he just hunts Stiles in his spare time. And he’s going to help me start a PI agency after I retire so your old man doesn’t get rusty. You’ll see, Stu. It’ll be fine.” 

Stu shakes his head and throws his arms up, becoming the human embodiment of the shrug emoji, “Fine, fuck it, I’m _done_.”

“Trust me, son,” John says, squeezing Stu’s shoulder and placing a kiss on his forehead, “it’s better this way.”

The sheriff grabs his gun and opens the door before turning back to Stu. 

“And don’t worry, kid. He’ll be back in time for the party.”

Stuart gasps, “Dammit, dad! It was supposed to be a surprise!” 

Stu notices the bathroom is empty and can hear light snoring coming from his room. He goes back in his dad’s room and beds down for the night. He awakens in the middle of the night and can hear someone rustling around in the kitchen. 

Derek is making sandwiches. 

“Umm… what the fuck are you doing?” Stu asks sleepily as he sees Derek trying to decide between an orange and a banana. Stu points between them, “if you’re trying to decide which one is gonna simulate your knot, just know Stiles is gonna look at that orange and laugh at you.” 

Derek gives Stu a side eye, but replaces the orange and instead grabs a grapefruit. Stuart… grimaces. 

“It’s gonna be a long ride back to DC. I want to make as few stops as possible.” Derek explains, as he takes out a half gallon of milk. Stu sighs. 

“You… you realize he’s going to get away. Like, he’s escaping _right now_.”

“Nah, he wouldn’t, not this time. He understands that-”

“Hey, Derek, shut up a minute, is that-?” Stuart hears a familiar noise and nods, “Yup, that’s the sound of our window opening! That little fucker is trying to run!” He hightails it up the stairs and gets to his room just as he sees Stiles getting ready to rappel out on some zipline contraption Stu never ever knew existed. 

“Stiles, wait, no!” Stu yells. Stiles looks back at his brother tearily,

“I know, Stu! I’ll miss you so much, but I can’t go back, I can’t go to jail for crimes most of which I didn’t _fully_ com-”

“Stiles, shut up, I don’t care about that! Just be back in time for dad’s retirement dinner!” 

Stiles looks a bit hurt, but nods, “Yeah, bro, I’ll be there, just make sure Derek knows the exact date- I mean uhh, _I CANNOT SAY WHICH WAY THE WIND WILL TAKE-”_

“Yeezus _fucking_ -” Stu starts before walking to the window and just pushing his brother down the zipline. “Get the fuck out of here before he catches you! But if you miss this party, I will _end_ you, Stiles!”

“I won’t miss it! I love you, bro!” Stiles says, waving and running off into the woods. Stu watches him and wipes away a lone tear on his cheek. 

“I love you too, little bro.”

“What the fuck, you just let him go?!” Stu turns around to see Derek, shocked and angry in the doorway. The wolf looks around the room, even under the bed, “Where is he?! Where’s Stiles?!”

 

“ _FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!”_ Stuart yells! 

Derek scrunches his face and then looks past Stu out the window. He looks at his watch. “It’s the middle of the fucking night.”

“Don’t you guys love the night?”

“Shut up, Stu!” The wolf yells, slightly deflated, “We were sleeping and comfortable, and I thought he might like a snack.” 

Stu can’t help but feel a little twinge for the guy. A very little twinge. 

Derek huffs, then regroups, “Well, no matter what, I won’t stop. And I won’t rest until I’ve caught him.”

“Yeah, yeah, and fuck him and let him go again, but look, can you do this all by the 25th of next month? That’s Dad’s retirement party and Stiles _has_ to be there!”

“The 25h? Is that a Sunday? Yeah, that shouldn’t be a- I mean, _umm…_ ” Derek looks from his phone calendar and tries to pull that middle distance shit again, “I know not which way the wind will blow, I can only follow the current of my heart’s-”

“I’ll fuck you with a wolfsbane dildo if he’s not here.” Stuart deadpans psychopathically. Derek balks and takes a step back. 

“Fuck, Stu! Fine, he’ll be here!”

Stu nods and Derek turns to go to the door. He stops and turns around, looking at Stu curiously. 

“Hey, remember when I used to sneak in here and your bed was the one by the window?”

Stu sneers, “I remember that even when I moved my bed, I would still wake up with your finger in my ass.”

Derek smiles and walks to Stu before grabbing his face between both hands and kissing Stu hard on his mouth. 

“Don’t worry, I’m going to find your brother and bring him home. And it will be in time for the party.” Derek spins and heads out the door, “Love ya, Stu!”

Stu finally comes back online and follows the wolf down the stairs, 

“What the fuck was-”

“See ya, son!” Stu nearly gets whiplash as he turns and sees his dad in the kitchen eating one of the sandwiches Derek made. He’s put the rest in a bag and hands it over to the wolf, “I’ll let you know if Stiles calls asking for money or anything.”

Derek smiles. “Thanks, Sheriff, see you next month for the party!” He says before flying out the front door. 

“Dammit!” Stu yells at… _everything_. The sheriff chuckles and hands Stu a half of the sandwich. 

“I’m telling ya kid, it’s best to just sit back and let it happen.”

Stu takes a large bite of the sandwich and hums. Yeah, he’s sure everything will be fine. 

But he’s gonna add that wolfsbane dildo to his Amazon cart, just in case. 

 

 


End file.
